It's just that our family has too much entertainment. My mother is a face-saving person. Whenever guests come, they are greeted with smiles, but your enthusiasm is in exchange for suffering. People in their seventies walk around the kitchen every day without a day off.
I said to my mother, "You are too old. If you can't do it, you can eat out and it won't cost much. " But my mother said, "when relatives come, how can we let them eat out?" It is not suitable for our family to eat out. "
In retrospect, it seems that every time relatives come, they say, "Don't eat out, waste money, just have a light meal at home."
The implication is, "if you treat me as a relative, you have to eat at home, otherwise you will treat me as an outsider."
Therefore, even if my mother is exhausted in the kitchen, she will never refuse each other. But I know very well in my heart that my mother is really tired, but she really doesn't know how to refuse.
I advised her a few more words, saying that I invited everyone out to have a good meal, but I didn't expect her to pick me up, and that anger was directly transferred to me.
Well, I can't be taunted, I should be able to hide! The good taste of that year was just ruined by my family.
Perhaps, many of us will have such questions in our lives.
"I can't say what I think!"
"Why can't I always take a stand?"
We always feel that we are unconsciously controlled by an invisible force, and some people can easily control us emotionally, which often makes us feel frustrated.
In this hopeless situation, we will find that the identity of this controller is precisely the person who is closely related to us.
They may be parents, brothers or friends, business partners, etc. Maybe we are successful in other parts of our lives, but in front of such people, we are like the Monkey King trapped in the palm of the Tathagata.
If so, then even if we are already very unhappy and uncomfortable, do we have to make concessions in front of intimacy?
With this question, I opened the book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, a famous American psychotherapist, best-selling author and talk show speaker. She works as a consultant in many psychological and medical institutions.
In this book, the concept of "emotional blackmail" was formally put forward. From this word alone, we can see that western people's psychology is really more straightforward than us in China, and hit the nail on the head.
This is one of the most advantageous forms of control action. The other side often knows us well and knows our weaknesses, so once we can't achieve certain goals, they will use intimacy to force us to make concessions.
It is said that the word "blackmail" is an obvious derogatory term, and it is really abrupt to use it on the people closest to us, but in fact, the people we care about most, the people with the strongest blood relationship and the people with the most frequent contact are the most lethal.
But we are often covered by the surface of emotions and ignore the truth behind them.
This book tells us the reason of emotional blackmail. It was the blackmailer who caught the victim's fear, sense of responsibility and guilt, and the two sides fell into a vicious circle together.
Even if you make concessions repeatedly in this relationship, you can't really solve the problem. Only by correctly understanding it, facing it and learning how to get rid of emotional blackmail is the most important thing.
Below, let's follow this book to uncover the truth of emotional blackmail!
0 1 What kind of blackmail will attract you?
In all the languages of emotional blackmail, putting demands on the table is absolutely an essential element. However, every kind of blackmail shows different behavior States.
There are four forms of analysis in the book:
The first type: the perpetrator. There are many people in this form, and it is also a blackmail state that we can easily distinguish. Because as long as we don't obey, they will be furious at once.
Some people may directly express their dissatisfaction in a threatening tone, which is the "active abuser". There is also a sulking, which belongs to the "passive abuser".
In any case, they are pursuing a unilateral relationship. No matter what you think or need, the abuser just ignores it.
Idioms usually go like this:
"If you don't do your homework, I'll throw your toy out."
"If you don't find a boyfriend, you can't go home for the New Year."
"If you want to marry that woman, I won't give you a penny."
"If you don't go to work again, you won't want to go to work in the future."
Do all these languages sound horrible? If we resist, we will know our fate.
The first reaction to this is that the typical representatives of such people will be their parents. What if someone can turn those successful adults into children? The answer must be "parents".
Children usually obey their parents and dare not violate them. Parents can naturally use this powerful influence to put pressure on their children.
Bad-tempered parents may use threatening language, while good-tempered parents will upset you with cold violence in a sulky way.
Whether we are adults or children, you can only give in easily in front of those who are "good to you".
The second kind: masochism. When we were young, we all had childish self-abuse behaviors, such as shouting at our parents, "If you don't let me go out to play, I can't sit on the ground."
Sometimes, we often see in the park that when children's needs for toys are not met, they can really cry until their parents are at a loss, and it is useless to coax them.
Of course, not only children have this kind of situation, but adults also have some depressed ways to make a mess of their lives.
The basic characteristics of this kind of masochism are hysteria and delusion of victimization.
Because they are often extremely eager, they tend to cling to the people around them, and it is very troublesome to let them dominate their own lives.
Once they turn to emotional blackmail, they will blame you for all their previous troubles.
After all, masochists have a way of making the other person feel, "I should be responsible for everything."
Didn't a middle school student commit suicide by jumping off a building because the school teacher shaved his head some time ago?
When this ultimate self-abuse happens, it may be really difficult for us to try to save it.
The third kind: sad people. Sad people usually give people the impression that a woman with a bitter face is sitting alone in a dark room, waiting for the child's call.
When the child finally calls, she will say, "What's wrong with me? You ask me what's wrong? None of you called, and no one came to see me. I see you have forgotten your own mother. I have to fall at home before you come to see me! "
When a sad person is unhappy, there is only one solution, that is, asking the other person to completely obey his own wishes. They won't threaten to hurt anyone. On the contrary, he will imply that if we don't do it, they will suffer, and the fault is entirely yours.
Some people are often depressed, silent and even in tears when they can't get what they want, but they just don't tell the real reason.
Just like the case mentioned in the book, Patty is a 43-year-old civil servant, and her husband Joe is such a sad person. Her husband never tells himself what he wants, and once he doesn't obey him, he looks at Patty with the saddest eyes in the world.
Once, Joe was unhappy again. Patty talked with him for more than an hour before she realized that she didn't buy the computer that Joe wanted to use. When Patty told Joe, buy it if you want! The other person's long face turned red at once.
I believe we have never seen this modern "Xianglinsao"!
The fourth type: seducer. Among the four kinds of emotional blackmail, the seducer is the least easy to be found.
They will send us a positive message first and promise everything about love, money or career development, which is a bit like the way carrots make sticks. If we don't comply with their demands, we will get nothing.
This book is about a divorced woman named Jane. As a child, because of the conflict with her sister, she gradually alienated from her family. Finally, one day, her sister called, but hoped that she would pay 1000 US dollars to treat her to a "family dinner".
For this person who has missed his family for a long time, this is undoubtedly irresistible. But in fact, it is impossible for you to buy the intimate relationship between your family with money.
Of course, in China, there are many such seducers, and the most common ones are those who advise wine at banquets. I believe many ladies don't like socializing, especially the culture on the wine table.
But now we women hold up half the sky and can't fall behind when drinking, so we are forced to join this forced wine game.
I remember a dinner party years ago, and the leader said, "Look at character on the wine table, and look at strength on the wine table. Who dares not to rush? " ?
To tell the truth, each of the above emotional blackmail may affect our body and mind, so we can't ignore it. Of course, we can't treat them like scourges. After all, these people are usually an important part of our lives. Maybe they are not malicious together, but only put their own interests first.
We don't want to label them as blackmailers, which is why we need to take them seriously.
Emotional blackmail is the destruction of self-integrity.
Each of us has a very precious wealth, that is, self-integrity. Self-integrity reflects our values and moral sense, and is the center we use to distinguish right from wrong. It reflects our identity, beliefs, what we are willing to do and what principles we have.
However, when we begin to succumb to emotional blackmail, then we will gradually forget what we want. Every time we give in, we lose our integrity bit by bit, which will have a series of effects.
The first is the impact on self-esteem. If you just make concessions on some small things, you don't have to criticize yourself so severely. Most people know that compromise is common.
What we in China like to say is "step back and broaden the horizon". However, this sentence means "taking a step back", not "taking 10,000 steps back". If you fall into a pattern of constant compromise and even agree to demands that are harmful to yourself, it will definitely damage your self-awareness.
Even if we have to make concessions, there must be a so-called bottom line. If you exceed this bottom line, you will violate your principles and beliefs.
As mentioned earlier, we were forced to walk to the wine table and pick up our glasses. You don't drink much, but if you want to go to the front, people will think that you have drunk too much. Since I drank it this time, it won't hurt to come again a few times.
Then next, you may have to face a wine game that you can't shirk. If you refuse, the other party will think you are not authentic. In such a vicious circle, you will gradually be disappointed in yourself.
At this time, we will find that we have neglected the most important fact, that is, we need to be responsible for ourselves.
Secondly, it is the harm to happiness. Emotional blackmail often makes people fall into a sudden and unspeakable dilemma.
Most victims will suppress these unpleasant feelings, but they will appear in the form of depression, anxiety, overeating, headache and a series of physical and emotional manifestations.
The children didn't do well in the final exam. I knew she was in a bad mood, so I didn't criticize her in front of her family, but I said to her in a more depressed way, "Hey, if you don't do well in the exam, I won't talk about you." However, your mother will be miserable, and your class teacher will stare at you every day to report the study arrangements for the winter vacation. "
Later, I found out why the children's eyebrows were always wrong during this period. She kept picking unnaturally and said that she couldn't stop itching, and as a result, she lost an eyebrow. Then she lost control and suddenly began to cry. I have to admit that the child's heart is already very anxious, and I still don't know it.
The author also believes that when other exits are blocked or closed, the stress and tension caused by emotional blackmail will be manifested through physical illness.
Therefore, no one should ignore this emotional pressure, especially the growing children.
Also, it is to sacrifice others and appease blackmailers. We all know that if we want to give in, or give in to emotional blackmail, it is equivalent to giving up self-integrity, but we ignore one thing. While appeasing emotional blackmailers or avoiding conflicts, we also sacrifice others we care about.
Many people have encountered this situation, emotional blackmailers let them make a painful choice between two people they care about. "It depends on whether you want children or me" is a very common example. Many couples will make such a request after their own world is disturbed.
Then, if the parents don't get along well after divorce, this will happen: "If you talk to your father again, don't come to me again. My inheritance is not yours. I won't talk to you again. "
This is really a painful dilemma. No matter which side we choose, the other side will be hurt, which deepens our already deep guilt and self-blame.
Just like I was forcibly taken into the library on the third day of the New Year's Eve and scolded by my mother. In order not to be an eyesore in front of my family, I had to run away despondently, but in fact, my mother must feel uncomfortable. In order to entertain other people's children, she drove her own children outside. Is it really necessary for relatives to hurt each other?
Finally, the impact on the relationship. Emotional blackmail makes any intimate relationship no longer safe and reliable. The so-called "security" refers to goodwill and trust-these two elements allow us to show our hearts to others without scruple, but if these elements are only superficial and lack emotional frankness, we can't show our true selves in front of each other.
When a relationship is no longer safe, we will be wary of emotional blackmailers, and we no longer believe that they will still care about our feelings. In this case, the intimate relationship between two people will obviously be gradually lost, which may lead to even more unimaginable results if left unchecked.
Not long ago, the news reported that a 15-year-old child cut a knife at his mother, and then he was able to take it calmly, which made people gasp. Many people also said that they could not understand this matter.
But in fact, it may be understandable to look at the mother-child relationship of this abortion from the perspective of emotional blackmail.
When a relationship is no longer stable and intimate, we will start to whitewash it in various ways. We are not happy, but pretend to be happy. We feel that the situation is not good, but we lie that everything is fine; Even if we are excited, we will suppress our emotions; We will pretend to love those who oppress us, even if the people we love have long since disappeared.
In this way, the previous dance of care and intimacy will become a masked ball, which will make both sides hide their truest selves more and more.
The most effective way to end emotional blackmail
A man was driving on the road when he suddenly saw a woman squatting on the side of the road. He thought she was in trouble, so he stopped the car and asked her what happened.
The other party said, look for her keys. The man helped her find it for a long time, and suddenly remembered to ask her, where did the key fall? As a result, the woman said it was two kilometers away.
The man asked inexplicably, "Then why are we looking here?" The woman replied, "Because I am familiar with this place and the lights are bright!" " "
Maybe everyone will have such a misunderstanding that if we want to solve the problem, we must sort out the familiar behaviors one by one and find a way out.
Therefore, many people will choose the default compromise when dealing with emotional blackmail, because it can be all ears, but if you keep responding like this, you will never find the key to the end.
Fortunately, this book will help you find the right way to deal with emotional blackmail through the following four strategies.
Strategy 1: Non-defensive communication
Some people always achieve their goals by shouting, sulking, pretending to be victims, threatening or accusing, so we can respond to them in various ways, just like building a wall to isolate the fear, responsibility and guilt brought by their actions from our hearts.
Of course, if our behavior is defensive and our language is full of gunpowder, it will only make the atmosphere more tense.
The book advises us not to try to change others, but to change our tone first.
For example, an expression like this:
"I'm sorry to make you so angry."
"I can understand how you feel."
"Your idea is worth pondering."
"Really?"
"It's no use crying, it won't solve the problem at all."
"We'll talk when you calm down."
Strategy 2: Turn an enemy into a friend
When the relationship is deadlocked, inviting the other party to solve the problem together is often an effective move to change the subject.
Once you ask for help, advice or information, you may find unexpected possibilities. Once they are involved in your decision-making process, they will be more willing to help you realize this decision.
Through the following questions, we can help reduce contradictions and ease the tension between us:
"Can you tell me why this is so important to you?"
"Can you give us some suggestions so that we can solve this problem?"
"I was thinking, what would happen ...? "
"I wonder if you can help me think of a way ...? "
Expanding mutual guesses like this can stimulate imagination and even make people curious. People don't like being attacked, but they are often willing to help others solve problems.
After listening to each other's answers, we can find a way to solve them together and turn passivity into initiative.
Strategy 3: Conditional Exchange
When you want the other person to change his behavior, you should also change yourself. For example, children like to play games similar to trading, such as exchanging their two comic books for another book, or exchanging delicious candy for one of the other's toys, that is, giving up something for something of the same value.
The biggest effect of this "conditional exchange" strategy on emotional blackmail is that it excludes that "the pressure of change must fall on one's shoulder". On the contrary, in conditional exchange, no pains, no gains, so no one will be a loser.
The practice of a couple mentioned in the book is very instructive. The husband is bored because his wife is getting heavier and heavier, and thinks that his wife's appearance is really unbearable, and the other party never changes. The relationship between the two gradually became tense, and their daily life could not be carried out normally.
After that, the two reached an understanding and exchanged conditions. The wife began to lose weight training, and the husband spent half an hour chatting with his wife after coming home from work every day to rebuild the relationship between the two sides.
Although the wife didn't lose weight every day and the husband didn't become a considerate lover immediately, this progress broke the deadlock between them and finally repaired the relationship.
Strategy 4: Use humor.
In a basically good relationship, humor can be an effective tool to help you express your feelings about each other's behavior.
As the saying goes: "reach out and don't hit the smiling face." If the other person always sees the smile on your face, he will stop even if he is in the mood.
I have seen such a story that the wife of Socrates, a famous ancient Greek thinker, is a very impatient person and often embarrasses this famous thinker in public.
Once, when Socrates was discussing an academic problem with several students, his wife suddenly swore for some reason and shocked the whole class.
Later, his wife brought a bottle of cold water and threw it at Socrates, causing him to get soaked.
When the students were embarrassed and at a loss, Sugradi smiled humorously and said humorously, "I knew it would rain after the thunder."
Although it is only a short sentence, it not only dilutes the contradiction and resolves the crisis, but also does not embarrass itself. Moreover, the young lady's anger changed from "cloudy to cloudy" to "cloudy to sunny"
Humor is a tacit understanding between people. Communicating with emotional blackmailers in a humorous way can make both sides feel relaxed. If we are humorous people at ordinary times, this is a good way to express ourselves. Even if it doesn't work every time, it will definitely reduce your fears.
Change is really a difficult thing. The above strategies must take some time and a lot of effort to practice repeatedly. If we don't want to be hurt emotionally again, we all need to give ourselves and each other more time.
When we can understand the truth of emotional blackmail and start to reject its influence on our lives, I believe that a good feeling will come. The embarrassment and remorse that once occupied the heart will be replaced by self-confidence and dignity.
It is the existence of self, it is the integrity of self, it has disappeared, but now we need to find it again.